Phoneless and Grumpy


I believe this year has been marked by a few significant happenings:
1. Justin Bieber’s haircut
2. The Royal Wedding
3. Osama bombed by Obama
4. My phone got stolen again.

Now apart from number 3 and 2 the rest are all incredibly newsworthy and lifechanging. Let me talk about number4 , which happened because I was being incredibly responsible and socially appropriate. You see, I was on my way to a dress up party – the theme NerdHerd. My outfit – a nerdy cow. Did I win – no, but that’s a whole different story. I arrange to stay over that night so that I can have more than two drinks and not kill someone on the road, which is my tick in the box of being responsible. My second tick goes to the socially appropriate box, as for the first time in eons I decide not to check my phone the whole evening and rather engage with real people in real life, yes I can hear you gasp.

So the next morning, as I stammer out of the guestroom, still covered in cotton wool from my nerdy cow outfit I can’t find my phone. Just fyi (I like saying things like fyi and diy and cnn) I do not own a blackberry, in fact the closest I’ve ever come to a blackberry was watching Monsters Ball starring Halle Berry, but that’s a different story. So I start phoning my Nokia *insert ancient model here written in hieroglyphics* but it’s off. So I know it’s been stolen. My first thought: Their is a thief amongst my friends who were at the party. I go through their faces in my head, all of whom I immediately suspect of being an undercover pickpocketer, minus my one nudist friend who’s never worn pockets and wouldn’t know how to approach them. As I slink to my car, having admitted defeat I notice the doors are wide open and someone has jimmied the locks (who is Jimmy and why didn’t someone give him a key?). I have a Citi Golf, I tell myself I own a Golf because it’s not flashy and I don’t need a fancy car – I often lie to myself.

Suddenly I put two and two together and immediately congratulate myself as I didn’t have maths at school and was quite impressed with my mathematical genius. Then I realised that my car was broken into and my phone was inside the vehicle (I use the word ‘vehicle’ here, as I’ve said ‘car already). I must have dropped the phone in the automobile (synonym check) as I was heading inside the party and because I was being responsible and socially appropriate I was targeted by a gang of evil henchman (probably more like a thin, slinky fellow who wants to score a loaf of bread, but I generalise sometimes).

So the moral of this story is: Drive drunk and stay on your phone at all times… not really, obviously not…

Below I am pictured moments after the disaster happened and you wonder why I didn’t win best dressed!!

Phoneless and Grumpy

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