Past Musings

Yesterday morning I was a happy-go-lucky twenty-something with not a care in the world. I’d applied for my new ID and Passport from Home Affairs in their temporary office in Foreshore sometime in March and in true Anne-style I waited way too long and decided yesterday afternoon, that it’s time to pick up these two booklets, for without them I do not exist, although I am on Facebok and nothing is more real than that.

So off I trot, well drive, to the Foreshore Home Affairs which has moved back to it’s offices in Barrack (no relation to The big O) street. And with a ‘yes-I-can’ mentality I find parking. At R9 an hour, who can complain? (me me me me!). Like a hunter, I’ve come prepaired, book in hand, water bottle, small packet of red Big Corn Bites  and a little pillow.I enter the recently renovated building completely oblivious to what is awaiting inside. Get my ticket at the front desk. Number 194 – doesn’t sound too bad. I enter the collection room. DEATH DOOM DESTRUCTION. A sea people awaiting their fates. I line up against a wall even though some official looking lady says I need to cue on the seats. ‘but why I have a number’ I ask. She then replies with a completely logical ‘because…’ and walks off.

Suddenly like a shock to the system I hear someone in front on me saying they have waited 4 HOURS. Surely this can’t be possible, but it was, in a huff and a puff, like one of the weak pig brothers I trot off again, home, no affairs today. Below is a picture I took of a couple as they sat down in the cue, behold their before pic and then the after pic I took as I left.  

As I reach the comfort of my home (no affairs) I inspect my ticket a little closer and can not BELIEVE what I spot. Ladles and Gentlespo0ns behold the most ridiculous thing you will EVER see:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

LOOK CLOSER

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

For those of you who aren’t as mathematically inclined as myself 785 minutes equals 13 Hours.

I am going to end this post  now, I think I’ve said enough….

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 Above Brad, me and Angie trying to escape the Paps while exiting a known pizzeria in Newlands. Moments after this was taken Angie threw her arms around me to protect me from a rogue flash.

I’ve always been singled out for befriending Angelina Jolie just as Brad broke up with Jennifer Aniston. Many felt that I was shamelessly supporting a homewrecker or raider if you will. The thing is (and I know because I’ve spoken to both Brad and Angie about it) is that Brad never loved Jen. I mean, what did she ever do? She was in that one little show, ag, I forget the name now, what was it? Um, um man….Seinfeld?! Think so.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Above, a recent pic of Jennifer Aniston that I downloaded directly from the internet, no changes were made to this pic, this is actually what she looks like now. Really.

Since the break up, I’ve dedicated most of my life to supporting Angie, I speak about this in more detail during some of my stand-up stuff.

Below is our recent holiday we had together in Port St Johns. I’ll never forget right when this picture was taken Angie whispered under her breath: “what’s this ones name again”  I laughed so much, just look at me enjoying myself. I don’t know what that little penguin next to me is doing, but I remember telling Angie: “You can’t adopt it” Oh we laughed.

Unfortunately if things change they usually don’t stay the same and that’s exactly what happened. Things got out of hand. Rumours of me and Brad having an affair were all over the newspapers, of course it wasn’t true but Angie couldn’t take the pressure. I refused to leave her side though, always right behind her…in the shadows. Untill one day it all went horribly wrong.

I miss you Angie and hope that one day we can be together again, when they become a little more realistic about the laws of stalking!!

PS. I’m keeping the strand of hair I cut off that night while you were sleeping. You probably don’t know what night I speak of, let me assure it, it was one of many, I always kept you safe, you just didn’t know…Goodbye

 

It was the press launch of the new Brasserie at Vaudeville on Saturday night. The Supper Club showcased their new tasty a la carte menue while half naked women swung from the rafters – always a good start to an evening if you ask me. The event was promoted by PR Diva, Allison Foat, who is simply just the most wonderful PRer (is that a word?) in Cape Town and I don’t just say this cause I cracked the invite list – she’s goood! 

After receiving a welcome Mojito upon arrival (I went back later to get another one, but they were all done) we headed through to our booth. I made several attempts at some childish puns about Mathew Booth and us sitting in him, not even a giggle from my table. The entertainment was exquisite with my personal favourite being a woman who wrapped herself in and out of a sheet so many times, I wondered how on earth she gets out of bed in the mornings and imagined what she could do with just a hankerchief – this ensued some laughter from my table, phew, haven’t lost my touch yet. It was sort of similar to Mr G’s Sheet dance in Summer Heights High, but also totally different. Watch below to see what I mean:

The food was simply amazing! I had the most succulent juicy, moist, luscious, rich, lush, mellow, mouthwatering fillet steak (okay, so I just opened my new thesaurus/wordbook/ wordfinder/ treasury/storehouse/ repository to find some foodie words.) There were also some face-painters there…not in the scary ‘children’s-birthday-party-face-paint’ kinda way, but more of a ‘cool-bohemian-look-at-my-glittery-swirlies’ kinda way. You could also buy hats there but I’ve got pretty good hair so skipped that one.

The guests included a gaggle of Cape Town shlebs, from Marc Lottering to loads of people I recognised from the news, like that guy in that one show and the chick who played the nurse in that play. I even recognised someone who I avidly follow on Twitter sitting a few tables away from me with someone I play Theatresports with. Cue me rushing over to say hi to my fellow theatresportser only to confirm that the Tweetererererer is in fact the same girl as the one from her Avatar – how exciting (note to self – say hi to people before moving onto champagne).

Below are some pics I took from the evening, unfortunately I forgot to put my flash on so they’re not very clear…

Kenny Kunene eating Sushi off of me – good times!

 

Helen Zille and Lindiwe Mazebuko high fiving me after discussing my new ‘free drinks for Capetonians policy’

 

Me swinging from the rafters in my ‘you’re just to good to be true’ metal rendition.

 A group of fans asking for my autograph – so embarrassing!

So if you live in Cape Town, eat food at all ever and like some Vaudevillic entertainment, then don’t miss out on Vaudeville, also if you go you get free entrance to The Fez afterwards – can life get any better?! Enjoy/ take pleasure in /  like / love / appreciate / relish / delight in / revel in/ be pleased with/ be fond of / be keen on/ rejoice in / be entertained by /  find pleasure in / find satisfaction in / take joy in / Njoy.

Life is really defined by awkward social encounters and I have many. Here are a few that have made me become incredibly weary of speaking in public without rehearsals.

1. Jy’s Paula

A few years ago I was at the Baxter theatre, having a drink with some friends after a show. When suddenly out of the corner of my eye (which is amazing because the eye is round, so well done to me) I see Paula from 7de Laan. Now obviously her real name isn’t Paula but in fact Diaan Lawrenson but who knew! Below is a picture of her, I circled her face so you know which one I’m talking about.

I immediately alert all my friends of her presence followed by a ‘don’t look now’ and ‘just be cool, act normal’ ‘shhht shhht shht’ – drawing even more attention to myself. I’ve always been a huge fan of Diaan’s character Paula on the show and suddenly realised that I was totally starstruck. A bestie of mine then said that he knows her and will introduce us. I was HYSTERICAL! I almost couldn’t contain the anticipation. So he says, he’ll go to the bar, chat with her a bit and I should follow a few minutes later. I’m ready. Hiding behind a pilar, practising my ‘hello’ voice. Then I pounce like a panther.

Bestie: Hey Anne, ken jy vir Diaan? [Hey Anne, have you met Diaan]

Me: HAAAI   JY’S     PAULA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  [ HEY YOU’RE PAULA!!!!!!!!!!!]

Silence fell over the room.

She gave me one look and walked off. Now I inserted numerous exclamation marks because in my head that’s about the volume that those words came out of my mouth of. Clearly she thought I was some crazed fan who could not differentiate her on screen personality from real life. I don’t know why I said those words but surely she could see the irony. I was a normal person, someone she could share a laugh with about her perils of fame over a glass of Sauvignon Blanc on the set of Pasella. Needless to say, I never saw her again and bestie thought I was possessed – think he just left me there that night.

2. Zapiro – you can be Leo and I’ll be Kate

Im a crazy fan of cartoonist Zapiro (obviously not ‘crazy’ in the ‘i’ll-make-a-shrine-in-your-honour-crazy’ but more of a ‘i’ll-buy-your-book-and-put-it-on-my-coffee-table-crazy’). The man is a legend. And I was totally beyond pleasantly surprised when I met him through a friend of mine. He’s really a great guy and I managed at least 3 encounters with him without making a complete fool of myself. But then came the dreaded night. It was at my friends birthday party and he was also there. All was going well when suddenly he popped past our table to say goodbye. In the loudest voice  imaginable, almost like that little girl from the Excorcist when her head starts spinning around I say to him:

You must draw me sometime!! You can be like Leo and I’ll be Kate in that scene from Titanic where he sketches her. Hahahaha *insert manic laughter…only from me*

He nodded and walked off. How could this have happened? He hardly knows me. The shame of it all. I finished my wine and left. Well, not true, I finished several glasses of wine, went out and got a taxi home, totally shamed by my foot IN mouth disease.

3. Marc Lottering and my mum

I’d just started doing stand-up and I was on a flight to Bloemfontein for a gig there. I noticed comedian Marc Lottering on the plane. Im such a huge fan and have been honoured to work with Marc several times since then but this was my very first encouter. I knew he was doing the same gig that I was that night and my nerves were killing me. My parents still live in Bloem and were en route to picking me up from the airport. Due to the huge influx of visitors to Bloemfontein my luggage was taking ages to get through the conveyer belt (well, more like the little man on the bike behind the wall was peddling too slowly) so I was the last one to enter the arrivals lounge. After a tearful ‘hello’ to my mom and pops my dad informs me of what just went down, moments before I entered the room .

My mother, bless her, walked straight up to Marc Lottering and said: HI, I’M ANNE HIRSCH’S MOM!!!

According to my dad, Marc was very gracious but just walked on, clearly trying to avoid the crazy lady. I was devastated. Obviously Marc had never heard of me, I could have died right there. Now we laugh about what happened. And Marc says that he actually thought she said Anne Heche (famous American actress and Ellen Degenerous’s ex). He said he was super impressed that she was in Bloemfontein.

There you go – a few (just a few – there are many many more) embarrassing moments, gotta love them!

It’s actually ‘Nostalgic’ but the N makes it less catchy, also it’s not May anymore but please stop being so critical.

Here are some hits from my youth. I grew up with these shows, which might have a bit to do with why am not the most balanced person. But here they are, our favourite intros from our favourite shows (let’s be honest, they were only our favourite cause it was literally all that was on).

At number 1 we have Loving
I seriously did not know you could do so much with a silk sheet and it’s sounds a lot like the Ellerines ad, or is that just the affect of too much daytime tv on me?

Number 2 is the doings of the Ewings. Dallas.
I remember in Bloemfontein all the restaurants would close on a Monday nights because everyone was watching Dallas – true story.

In third place we have Dynasty
Clearly the same music director as Dallas. A strange word that some pronounce ‘Dinnesty’ and others ‘Dine-esty’….also totally forgot Sascha Mitchel from Full House was in it.

Last but not least we have MacGuyver
No one person could do so much with just a stick of gum – not really a soapie but couldn’t resist.

I recently came back from a holiday with Natalie Portman, above is an image of us just cruising down the freeway, the wind blowing through our hair. Here’s the conversation we were having when this pic was taken:

Natalie: Anne, you’re hot.
Anne: Thanks Natalie.
Natalie: Why don’t we become BFF’s  and you move  to Hollywood with me?
Anne:I can’t do that Nats.

              long pause

 
Natalie: Can I touch your hair.
Anne: Not now.

So anyway, we had a blast together and I also gave her some acting tips for Black Swan. I insisted she transform herself for the role, none of that American Sweetheart stuff – so below is a private image I took of her, in the midst of our acting lesson. It was inspiring.

I just thought I’d share that with you. Nats, if you’re reading this, please call me, I’d like my CD’s back…left them in your car.

There is this weird phenomenon of watching cute animals on youtube. It’s a sign of our times really, people have become too accessible to each other – just a click away from that scary murderer living in Utah – so we have turned to the animal kingdom, at least that’s my theory. These little pets becoming overnight successes because they are filmed yawning or are dressed in tiny human clothing (suits and tutus are my personal favourate). I say STOP THE MADNESS. Now every pet owner out there thinks their pet is the cutests (fyi it’s not…mine is – I have two Saugage dogs – Lulu and Gigi) and they just can’t resist putting lamo vids on the internet for the world to see.

Please watch exhibit A:

For those of you that watched till the end – I’m sorry.

Now I would like to present Exhibit B. A song by, Bruno Mars – the same guys that brought you these ridiculous lyrics:

I’d catch a grenade for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah)
Throw my hand on a blade for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah)
I’d jump in front of a train for ya (yeah, yeah , yeah)
You know I’d do anything for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah)
Oh, oh

Here’s their song about doing nothing and it has some choreography and check shirts. Also it features PEOPLE dressed as animals – Manimals. Now we’re talking.